Torn between two seasons…

Today is one of those days when you can feel the seasons are changing. Yesterday – September 8 – was HOT, HUMID, SUNNY – 90. It definitely didn’t feel like typical Philly weather, but then again, this summer has felt anything but typical. It is one of the warmest on record.

For a former Florida-girl, self declared sun-worshipper, beach lover… days like yesterday are reminiscent of my sweet life in Tampa. It’s a place where it feels like summer all year round. I know I have talked about this before, but, WOW, I miss Tampa. I can still feel the sand from St. Pete Beach under my toes. Everyday has that “vacation day” feeling, even on work-days. I would drive past dolphins swimming in Tampa Bay while on my way into work. For a Northern, it was wild.

But after a while, I almost came to take it for granted. Now I am up here, in Philadelphia, and I can feel fall creeping in. “Winds of change.” While it is a cliché there is a reason cliché’s exist, because there is some truth in them. Today is one of those days. The wind shifted, the air is cooler and drier, only reaching into the upper 70s. While it was beautiful outside today, the temperature is almost a shock to the summer skin.

That’s the way I felt every time I flew up “north” to visit, while I lived in The Sunshine State. I felt like I needed a week just to thaw out every time I came back. Now that I am a “Northern” again, I guess, the summer weather is starting to feel just like I remember when I was younger. Here today, gone tomorrow.

Days like today, though, make you kind of look forward to fall. There is that little bite in the air. You can pull out the jeans and light sweaters. I almost feel like I should be hanging my head in shame, though, when I say that. I feel like I am cheating on a significant other - that being Florida, summer.

This summer flew by for me. I was swamped between work and an internship. Saturdays were my only day off. I was at the beach ONE day. It was pitiful. Summer is no fun when it is blistering and you can’t be hanging by the water. Instead, I was sweating in dress clothes, riding on the train, on my way in and out of Center City. Or I was rolling out of bed before dawn and driving 40 minutes to put in a shift at the traffic job.

Now that the seasons are starting to shift, so is a phase in my life. I started my 3rd semester of grad school. With the way I scheduled work and school, I will actually have three days a week off for a few months. I may finally be able to finally catch my breath a little and wipe off the sticky summer sweat. Autumn 2010 is an allure for sure.

Do I whisper that or say it with pride? With all the craziness in my life and that which bounces inside my head – I think I might yell out the window. Bring it on Mother Nature; I am as ready as I am ever going to be.

In a good place

thanks everyone who responded on FB! the previous post wasn't meant to be "depressing" LOL I am just a rather dramatic person ;) I am very fortunate for everything and everyone in my life... just going thru a confusing patch right now.. I love to write, so I put it in my blog. No worries, though, I am forging full-steam ahead!

Balancing a smile and sore soul

My quest to change careers is worse than any marathon I ever ran and I have done three marathons.

“They” said TV news was one of the most difficult industries to get into. Yeah, okay. (Insert sarcasm). I managed to land a job as a TV news producer 2 months after I graduated college. Well, it actuality it was at a very small station and I was paid just barely above minimum wage (Thank God I was able to still live at home), I was still able to “land” that first job. Even more difficult, “they” said, would be to land that first “on-air” TV news job.

Fast-forward a year later. I was on the road to Fairbanks, AK. Okay, so it was in the Last Frontier, at one of the smallest TV markets in the US. Still, I got a job and I was on my way to a successful decade working in the TV News business. It was a career that took me across the continent, exploring some of the most interesting places in the US, meeting fascinating people, and attending some of the most exciting events I ever dreamed about. The Iditarod. A Space shuttle launch on Independence Day. Reporting live from a helicopter. Presidential visits. The list goes on and on.

However, when I rounded the age of 30, my spirit began to fade. Some days the work was honestly boring. For crying out loud, I DO NOT want to go to any more city council meetings!

Other days the stress started to weigh heavily on my heart. After ten years, how many different ways can you report on a house fire? I am terribly sorry for the victims and the circumstances are so unfortunate, but how can you do the story justice if the factors are pretty much all the same? Fire + house = injured or deceased victim & displaced residents.

I was so sick of knocking on the doors of families and friends who just lost a loved one to an accident, shooting, mishap. (On a side note: The media does take a lot of heat for that type of story, but I do have to say, in my opinion, people at home do watch those stories with a voyeuristic curiosity, even though they would never admit it.)

I was tired of standing on the side of the road in a snow storm telling people to stay home. I was sick of getting soaking wet during tropical storms and hurricanes.

The TV News business is changing fast. Triple the work and one-third of the pay. Lay-offs and cut-backs are the way of the future.

Why couldn’t I have a normal job, a normal life, where you get weekends and holidays off? 9-5 work day? They are all but a dream in “TV News Land.”

At 31 I got an epiphany. Make the transition to Public Relations! It is not an uncommon leap for news-professionals. In fact, many people I had worked with in the past are now working in PR in cities across the US.

I reluctantly decided to go “home” to Philadelphia, pursue a Masters Degree and pursue a career in PR. Two years later, I am still in school, still working in broadcasting and still looking for a job in public relations. It is incredibly humbling to be an intern at 33. Yes, intern = work for free. An entire summer spent at the Philadelphia District Attorney’s Office. Saturdays were my only day off. Now I am entering my third semester of grad school and I am starting another internship – this one at a small PR agency.

It is a sacrifice I continue to make in order to build my resume and experience. I have re-formatted and changed my resume more times than I can remember. I am networking. I am pretty much doing “all I can do” to get the “first job.”
Everyone tries to sooth my fears. “Be patient,” they say. “Something is bound to happen.” I am starting to question my quest for a career in PR and my pursuit for a higher education. Yet, when I take a hard look at my career options, I can’t fathom going back into TV. Even though I know I was very good at my job, I know I would be miserable. I hate sales. Business bores me.

I apply and apply and it feels like the resumes get sucked into some black hole. I am getting the impression employers see my extensive work history and experience and put my resume in the trash. Either I am over-qualified for an entry-level position, which they think they can’t meet salary expectations or they think they won’t be able to keep me very long… or I am under-qualified for a senior-level position. I need a job, people. I don’t care about a high salary at this point.

I am sending out an S-O-S. I am waving the white flag. Someone please assure me my efforts are not in vain.

I ran my first marathon in 2007. It was the most challenging and rewarding feat I ever encountered. At this point, my quest to enter the PR world, in its own way, has matched, perhaps even surpassed, the mental and physical energy to finish a marathon. I am tired and sore. I have blisters.

If I ever thought I would be in the same place two years later, I don’t think I would have taken this route. But I did. I am here. I must keep on, keeping on.

ATTENTION CVS CAREMARK!

I noticed a charge on my PNC bank account on 5-14-2010 from "caremark mail" for $160.

I have not been a caremark customer for a year! when i called caremark - i spoke to several reps this week - and ALL of them found no record of any charges on my acct - let alone one for $160!

The situation has been forwarded to "billing". I WAS supposed to hear back via phone to me, withine 24 hours. THAT WAS MONDAY. TODAY IS FRIDAY.

Conveniently there is no number that I can directly contact billing - they have to contact me. It's Bull $-it as far as I am concerned.

Meantime, I am -$109 balance in my account, PLUS overdraft fees!

THIS MUST BE RESOLVED ASAP! it is insane! I have bills to pay! There is absolutely no reason for this charge! I have not even received any products in the mail relating to such a charge, yet your company now has my money, WITH NO EXPLANATION!

I smell IDENTITY THEFT! SCAM! Poor Customer Service at the VERY LEAST!

Losing my Zane

"I never gave much thought to how I would die. But dying in the place of someone I love seems like a good way to go. Death is peaceful. Life is harder."
-Bella Swan, Twilight

I lost my Zane. I can't even believe this.

He was the love of my life. This may seem extreme to those who never met my cat, but he was quite the character.

He was quirky, loving, protective, active, playful. He followed me everywhere around the house. It didnt matter where I went, he followed. If I was doing laundry, he would walk down the steps and watch me put clothes in the washer. Zane slept with me every night, often on me. I would sometimes feel this heavy weight on my chest, and there he was sleeping away. If I was curled in a ball on my side, he would form himself to the shape of my leg and lay on top of it. He loved it when I scooped him up in my arms, cradled him like a baby and scratched his tummy. He purred so loud it sounded like a motor.

Zane and his twin sister, Isabelle, came into my life in September 2002. I was living in Northeast Pennsylvania and they were given to me - part of a litter of feral kittens born in the wild. I didn't ask for them. My ex in-laws rather dumped them on me, in my opinion, and said something like: "Here these are your's now."

They were so young and so small, they fit into the palm of my hand. Zane was defensive and even scratched my hand when I tried to pick him up out the box they were in. I thought to myself, "I am going to give you extra attention to make sure you trust and love me." And that's how it came to be. I know he was just a cat, but there was such a bond.

My family's 13 year old german shepard passed away in January. We had to have him put down because he was very sick from cancer.

I had noticed Zane sort of hiding out for the last two days. I was in and out of the house all week, so I didn't give it much thought. It wasn't like him to be hiding.

he would pop out as soon as he heard me, but I was so busy, I didn't connect the dots. When I got home from school at 9 pm Thursday, my dad told me to look for Zane because he wasn't acting right. I found him hiding behind the couch. I picked him up and his body was limp. He was barely breathing and barely blinking. My heart sunk.

It scared me to even hold him. I put him in my dad's lap and we called the vet immediately. I started crying and mom tried to calm me down, by telling me our other family cat got urinary tract infections a few times, that its not uncommon in cats and it makes them lethargic. Something told me it was a lot more than that. I knew in my heart how this was going to end.

I held him gently, pet him and talked to him as we quickly got to the vet. The poor baby was jaundice. The doctor said his liver was extremely enlarged and when it gets to this point there is no turning back. Conditions like these are usually the result of some sort of cancer. Since his liver was in failure, the vet said he was purely intoxicated. If we would have taken him home, the doctor said he would surely die a painful death in a few days. I knew what had to be done. The decision was excruciating. I said my goodbyes as he laid so quietly on the table. My dad held me up. I asked him to be there when it was time, because I didn't want Zane to be alone, but I coulnd't watch him go.

He is being cremated and we will bury him in the backyard.

The four levels of coping with loss: Guilt (I wish I had noticed sooner, but the doctor said there was nothing I couldn't have done). Denial (It feels like he is still around and I am trying not to think about it when I lay in my bed. He laid with me all the time) Anger (I am so angry. Why did this happen just two months after God took my loving and wonderful dog Buddy?) Depression (I am in shock, numb right now)

I know I have to focus on the good memories. That's part of why I couldn't bring myself to be there when he was put to sleep. I didn't want to remember him that way. Right now, though, its so painful to believe he is gone. He was not even 8 years old.

everyone deserves to feel that way

"Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist"
-George Carlin

Valentine's Day... ahhhh.. the day single people swear was created by Hallmark. It's the day couples make the extra effort to show each other how much they care. Whether you recognize it as a "holiday", it still makes the single people feel REALLY single.

I am a die hard romantic, yet when you've been through failed relationships, it is difficult not to become cynical and jaded these days.

I do remember what it's like to feel something special. That does not mean I want to re-visit the past at all. You can only look at those times as a learning experience. I have learned a lot about myself. I learned what I want and I don't want. I like myself more than ever now. That, in itself, is worth the journey.

I wish all the couples out there nothing but the happiness loves provides. Everyone deserves to feel that way.

Where did it all go? Where to go from here?

"It is not the mountain that we conquer, but ourselves"
-Edmund Hillary (one of the first to climb Mt Everest)


2009 is coming to an end. Only one more week and its gone. Poof. Vanished.

I don't know how most people think, but my biggest fear isn't failure. My biggest fear is mediocrity. I NEVER want to be average.

My parents told me when I was little - "I walk to the beat of my own drum". I didn't understand what they meant at the time, but now I can see how accurate they were.

If someone were to put my life's path on a chart... you wouldn't see a steady line rising at a 45 degree angle. Instead, there would be a LOT of zig zags. I have experienced many highs and many lows in life, but its been a colorful life nonetheless.

What did I do in 2009?

I ran a half marathon in Tampa in March. I ran the Broad St Run in Philly in May (10 miles). I went to Florida twice. I was in my dear friends', Jen and Jeff, wedding. I took my cousin's 18 month old son to the jersey shore for the day just so he could see the ocean for the first time. I spent a weekend with my mom, my sister, my "aunt", and friend on a boat on the Chesepeake Bay one weekend which was delightful.

I started my first semester of grad school. I finished my first semester of grad school. (Ha ha) I did it with excellent grades too!

I wanted to do another road race... just couldnt fit that into my schedule. I wanted to make more money... well, so do the rest of us LOL! I wanted to secure a full-time job in PR, but it is what it is.

There were setbacks too... some I choose not to share... I lost loved ones, expected and very unexpected.. and it makes you wonder about the bigger picture. Still, you push through. What else can you do? You make sure those around you know how much you love and appreciate them and you stay true to yourself.

Up to this point I have achieved every goal I have set for myself. I think i took it for granted.

So, with new career and life goals on my plate, things aren't coming together for me as quickly as I had hoped, or taking longer than I had hoped. it is frustrating and disheartening. My parents say I expect way too much too soon.... I say I can never have enough.

What do I want for 2010? I am starting to train for a marathon on March. I hope all the stars align so I can make it a good race! A few pounds lighter would be awesome, hopefully the increased training will help with that.

I intend to visit Florida a few times to visit my BFF's. I can't stay away from them, the weather and the beach! I will finish my second semester of grad school. I will continue my push into the formal public relations venue...and i will broadcast the traffic reports on the radio.

But sitting here today, thinking about all of this, I am telling myself to try to enjoy life for what it is today... not wish it away for things that may... or may not happen.